My Very First Words

I sit here in the dark, sipping my coffee. It’s the darkest dark outside. The world is still asleep and the quiet is calming. As I try to string together my very first words about me and my life thus far, emotions swirl in my entire being. This moment is symbolic. It marks an awakening, and an irresistible urge to finally cast my thoughts out in the world.

Let me explain.

My name is Abi, and I’ve passed decades of life hesitating to voice my opinions. 

My mother once told me she was asked if I was medically unable to speak, because I was that quiet as a child. Not much changed as I grew older. My thoughts and desires remained locked inside me. I learned the hard way that the longer you remain silent, the harder it becomes to speak. And the longer you suppress your wants, the less you know who you are. I’ve paid a heavy price for being quiet. I didn’t know what made me happy, and I still don’t know myself wholly.

When you don’t have a strong anchor, you dance to the lapping of the waves and the direction of the current. 

Fast forward to the birth of my two precious children.

As I nurtured them, an overwhelming sense of duty to protect took hold — and without realizing it, I began to transform. I felt the words and hands of the world reaching for them, and it stirred memories of my own years on earth, of moments when I felt voiceless. The maternal instinct is powerful. There is a fierce spirit that lies quietly within a mother, ready to rise at the slightest threat to her child. I had no idea the depth or strength of that love until I felt it. In standing up for my babies — protecting them when they were far too young to protect themselves — I discovered an unbelievable source of strength within me.

I finally dropped my anchor. 

At first, my voice stuttered out in silent whispers, unsure as an infant learning language. With practice, it now gushes out eagerly, with the deafening music of my heart beating in my throat. The heart is excited. I let it celebrate.  

The longing to be listened to has been a quiet ache. I want to speak. Honestly — I want to shout.

And this blog… this is where it begins. This is my beginning, and I intend to be absolutely me.